Devin Toole, "Coronavirus Pandemic."
Coronavirus Pandemic
Devin Toole (autobiography below)
[N.b.: This is a revised statement provided in December 2024. Ms. Toole's 2020 statement is available by permission of the director of the Wiregrass Archives, wiregrassarchives@troy.edu]
The Coronavirus Pandemic has had a profound impact globally in such a brief period. This will continue to affect our nation once the panic has subsided, the shelves in stores have been fully restocked, and the number of infected people has declined. I am having difficulty comprehending and conveying our new reality. Since this is entirely foreign to every individual in the United States and every aspect of our lives has been disrupted. I am hopeful that by sharing how the pandemic affected my personal life others can relate or at minimum understand the severity and extent that other people endured because of it. I also want to articulate this journal well enough that when it is read in the future people can reflect on their own experiences.
Just four weeks ago, I was a full-time student at Wallace Community College, a single mother, and working two different jobs. Therefore, my day-to-day routine already had its challenges. I can recall first hearing about the Coronavirus and my immediate impressions. I was on campus for my Political Science course when my professor began addressing the news that the Coronavirus was widespread in China, as well as the effects it was having on their nation. At this time, I had seen multiple posts from a variety of social media platforms and just assumed that it was being exaggerated. This could be attributed in part to my belief in the veracity of social media news. However, while I was empathetic and had concern for the people in China, I never considered the possibility that the U.S could be affected.
March 16th, 2020
Today was the first notable shift in my life. I was employed full-time as an Office Manager at Timberline Homes. The start of the day was like any typical Monday at work until the supervisor came into my office to disclose that I would be laid off from my position. Truthfully, I was humiliated by my response, but my knee-jerk reaction was to laugh. Only because I could not fathom that he was being serious or that what was happening was real. Unfortunately, he was serious, he said that I could ride the clock until my shift would normally end or I could clean out the belongings from my desk and leave early. Although I was experiencing every single emotion, I was able to maintain my composure long enough to collect my stuff and make it to my vehicle. The moment that the car door shut, all the emotions escaped me. I was simultaneously bawling my eyes out and flooding my brain with a billion questions such as how am going to be able to financially support my daughter and afford any part of our living expenses. I was also fairly saddened by being the first person in the office laid off. Ultimately, I just felt like a failure, but I knew that I could not afford to have a breakdown for too long because I had to find a solution.
Within two days, I had contacted a previous employer where I had worked as a Caregiver. While I was also offered my previous caregiving position back, I would be taking on double the work and half the pay in comparison to the job I had just been laid off from. There was not a complete solution coming from this because it could not cover my monthly expenses which were a little over two thousand dollars. Everything following transpired quickly as in the same week, all of Wallace's courses went strictly online which mostly only affects me mentally (and emotionally) because I was just clinging to some consistent factor in my life. I was also concerned with how that would alter my degree plan 鈥� or if it would have an effect at all. By the end of the week, I was truly a nervous wreck and anxious about what was going to happen next.
March 23rd, 2020
I dropped my daughter off at daycare this morning and within two hours I received a phone call to come pick her up. This was just a single consequence that followed Governor Kay Ivey's statewide mandated shut down regulations due to Covid-19. This had an immediate effect on me as I am single mother without any family members in the area and cannot financially afford to stay home with her. I was scheduled to work three twelve hour shifts back-to-back starting that day and I was racking my brain to form a plan. The babysitter that I hired when I first located to the area has formed a close relationship with both me and B, to the extent that she is now considered my child's god mother. Thankfully, she has been a village for us when we needed the support.
I had officially started back with the caregiving company. I was scheduled to work my first week at Extendicare, a nursing home facility, in Dothan, AL. I was scheduled to work three consecutive twelve-hour shifts beginning today. The first day back was a shift from 7:00 AM- 7:00 PM, all went well with my client. However, my stomach had been bothering me throughout the shift. I had been complaining about my stomach being uncomfortable for a few days and was thinking it may have been a stomach bug. However, since I had been lacking many of the symptoms that accompany a stomach bug, I went to purchase pregnancy test when my shift ended. They were all positive. I experienced about every single emotion imaginable in about three hours.
March 24th, 2020
This was my second day returning to the facility and it felt off from the very start of the shift. Everyone in the facility appeared to be on edge, the nurses were whispering, and the foot traffic was much higher than the previous day. Around noon several nurses rushed into my patients' room to notify her that she would be relocating to a room that was a few doors down the hall. My patient had already been having a rough day (UTI and hallucinations) and was not able to comprehend what they were communicating to her, and the nurses were not showing any patience. They immediately started to snatch her from her bed while the patient was screaming. During this ordeal, I could tell the nurses were irritated with me for being in the way. The whole event was more than I could manage, so I walked to the vending machine and waited for them to finish getting her situated in the new room.
I was becoming increasingly anxious with everyone in the facility being on high alert and whispering that I asked a few of the staff if they could tell me what was going on because I had overhead someone say the word quarantine. The term quarantine was not a part of my vocabulary before the pandemic, so I was both confused and concerned. Every staff member that I had asked said they could not share any information with me because I was not an employee with the facility (I was employed through a third party). It had been several hours before a nurse came into the room to tell me to turn on the NewsChannel which brought an immediate pit in my stomach. I turned the T.V on and the news reporter was standing right outside of the facility discussing one of the residents of Extendicare. He said that one of the patients here had tested positive for COVID-19 and that there were two other patients with results pending. My entire body went into an internal panic. Following that another nurse came into the room to say that the head nurse was in a meeting right now to determine whether we would all be under quarantine in the building. However, the head nurse was just live on the News telling the reporter that the facility was taking all the necessary precautions to protect the health and safety of the staff and the patients. I called the First Light office to figure out what this meant for me and was told that I would that I would be taken of the schedule and to quarantine at home. Because I was not familiar with quarantining, I asked her if that meant being quarantined from my daughter as well, and she clarified that it did.
Fortunately, my shift ended shortly after the phone call did because I was emotionally depleted. When I was walking out for the night, I noticed that a curtain was hung up to block off the last two rooms of the wing. The three patients that were being discussed on the News were right next door to the patient that I had been caring for. I was mortified and disgusted that a sheet dividing the contagious patients from the staff and other patients was considered a necessary precaution. The division in that hallway was an unexplainable feeling. In working with First Light, it is a seldom occurrence to have a patient long-term, so I left unbelievably worried about the patient I had spent the past few days with.
I stayed in the parking lot, in my car, for two hours on the phone with my grandmother before heading home. Most of the phone call was consumed by me crying and venting to her. I was hoping that during the call I could process just an ounce of what has happened, but nothing felt real and intellectualizing it was impossible.
March 25th, 2020
The realization that I had to be quarantined without my daughter with no set date started to impact me more once I made it home.
In addition, I was also becoming more conflicted with my feelings and plans for this pregnancy. Before the pandemic had even occurred, I was certain that I did not want to be single mother again and was now doubting whether I would even be capable. Every person, whether it is an unexpected pregnancy or not, experiences some degree of fear and/or doubt when met with a positive pregnancy test. The feelings that I had before only intensified amid the pandemic. I had already contacted out of state abortion clinics in both Georgia and Florida in the days prior to this entry, since abortions are banned entirely in the state of Alabama. I think I just wanted to have options more than anything because it did not diminish my uncertainty. Some of the clinics I called were not taking on new appointments and the ones that were had to warn expected patients of being met with protestors at the clinic.
However, I did decide to make an appointment with my OBGYN to determine how far along the pregnancy was and maybe gain a little insight from a medical professional. When I called to make the appointment, I was asked whether I had been exposed to the coronavirus and I told them about the exposure I may have had when caregiving. This resulted in them being unable to schedule me. We stayed on the call for nearly half an hour with me essentially pleading with them to see me. I have been pregnant before and I know that an appointment that early is not generally necessary (unless medically necessary), but I believe that my emotional reaction to them not scheduling me had more to do with the conflicted feelings I was having about the abortion. I tried calling several other local OBGYN offices and was met with the same response. While it makes sense, it was difficult for me to comprehend medical professional refusing patients. Consequently, I spent the day mostly upset.
March 26th, 2020
This morning, I woke up with a sharp pain in my stomach. I was informed by an OBGYN after a laparoscopic procedure when I was sixteen years old that I was at high risk for tubal pregnancies, and I have had a miscarriage before. Although I was not bleeding the pain was comparable, so I contacted the OBGYN. Again, they said the same thing as the day before, but I was extremely concerned that it might be tubal because of the pain, and I expressed that. The nurse had to speak with the doctor, but I was called back within an hour and was told proof pregnancy had to be established before moving forward. They said that I could head to the facility to take a pregnancy test. When I pulled into the doctor's office there was already a nurse waiting outside near the side entrance. I walked towards her to check-in and was immediately handed a face mask to wear. I sneezed during the check-in process which was a huge mistake. This nurse literally ran away from me. There were now a few feet between us, and I was being asked if I had any symptoms of COVID-19 since being exposed. I assured her that I was not and that I just had to sneeze. I think we were both surprised by the social exchange that occurred. I was directed to the bathroom on another side of the building to take the pregnancy test and was informed before leaving that it was positive. There had been a telehealth appointment scheduled for the doctor to call me that afternoon. I barely made it three miles away before pulling over on the side of the road because of the sharp and excruciating stomach pains. I felt like such a bother at this point, but I called them back and explained what was happening. They recommended returning home to rest and to drink water, so I did.
I started bleeding that afternoon at home and I knew what was happening. In part, I felt like I had been failed by the doctor's office because maybe this was preventable, I told them I was in pain. The other part of me felt like I asked for this, deserved it, or in a more twisted sense wanted this because I was considering other options. However, the largest part of me believed that because of that I was not justified in feeling upset or saddened by what was occurring, but I was. Around 2:30 that morning I woke up in immense pain and heavier bleeding. I contacted the offices' emergency hotline where my assumptions were confirmed that it was more than likely a miscarriage. They said that if I continued to experience heavy bleeding for twelve hours to contact them again.
March 27th, 2020
When I woke up this morning, I had passed several large clots of blood. I thought that the heavy bleeding would have ended at this point was so drained all I could do was sleep. I woke up again around 2:00 PM and tried to make myself stay awake because I did not want to waste the entire day. I went to the kitchen to get something to drink, and I just felt weak. The entire room was spinning and all I wanted to do was sit back down, so that I could sleep. I went to sit on the couch and could not really grip the water bottle that I had been trying to make myself drink. I kept trying to remind myself that the doctor said it would pass. I had the feeling that I was on the verge of becoming unconscious, so I called the doctor and felt like I was nodding in and out when explaining the extent of how tired I felt. He instructed me to get to the emergency room. I was still in quarantine, and the only person who could take me had my baby in their care, and at this time, I had no real concept whether exposure meant contagious, infected, or what. There were no additional alternatives. The emergency room is about 10 minutes from my house, so I drove myself and sang loud to music to stay alert to my surroundings.
There was a man at the entrance of the emergency department who I assume screening patients and distributing masks. I told him the reason for my visit, and he asked if I had been exposed to the Coronavirus; I shook my head, suggesting that I had been. I'm certain it appeared like I was going to faint because they came out with a wheelchair to transport me to the room, I would be staying in. I had a lot of thoughts about death. For instance, like what if it happened and I was unable to tell my daughter just how much I loved her? I also considered the fact that I don't have an emergency contact, so who would even know. The nurses blew six veins trying to start an IV, but they were able to perform an ultrasound and run blood tests. They also warned me about the possibility of needing a blood transfusion. I was there for several hours before falling asleep. I'm not sure how much longer it was before the doctor came in to confirm the miscarriage and told me that my vitals were stable enough for release.
I was assigned to a wing with three other patients who had been exposed to COVID-19 or who had tested positive for it. When I was walking out, I saw that a doctor was approaching the room across from me, and I'll never forget the image of the door being pulled further open. It was unlike anything I'd seen before. The doctor was dressed in a full-body hazmat suit, which I had only seen in movies. The patient was lying in the hospital bed, with what appeared to be a clear plastic box or something covering his head. I could tell he was struggling to breathe. The image alone was overwhelming. The entirety of this situation was difficult to process, and it was our new reality. The parking lot was vacant and quiet, so I stayed in my car for a while because I wasn't keen on going back home to process and quarantine alone.
March 28th - March 31st, 2020
I am still at home under quarantine and the alienated experience has really set in. I know some psychology theory exists that contends individuals have a fundamental desire and dependency for socialization. I am certain that there are many people unaware of this theory, yet I believe that its influence can be observed (felt) across the world right now.
At the age of sixteen, I was judicially emancipated from my parents and granted adult status. As a result, I've spent a significant portion of my adult life alone. While it can be lonely at times, I've mostly accepted it, and as an introvert, there are times when I appreciate the solitude. Throughout this process, it has become apparent I might establish routines to keep myself excessively occupied as a means of coping. I am not clear if this is a harmful or appropriate psychological technique because it has its benefits. Ultimately, the extra time to reflect on everything did not feel healthy to me. Since nobody could make any sense of this, I sought out someone to blame, someone (or something) tangible, such as the employer who fired me, the governor, the landlord, or even myself. Above all else, I ached to be with my daughter. I was compromising for calls on FaceTime that failed to fill the emptiness. The discomfort in such a position reminded me of earlier moments in my life when the 'light at the end of the tunnel' was imperceptible, yet my body persisted to move forward. While I had almost built an identity based on flourishing in disorder, and the epidemic was not without chaos, it felt distinct. The many statewide shutdowns and lockdowns brought the world to a halt, at least mine, which was uncomfortable for me. As a result, I'm beginning to understand that I can only thrive in chaos if I can keep myself occupied.
April 1st - April 10th, 2020
The sense of going through the motions persists. I was not scheduled to work this week, so whenever they called and offered me a shift, I accepted it. I completed the work week with sixteen hours. I'm beginning to struggle financially, particularly with my rent and vehicle payments, and both my landlord and auto company expect full payments on the scheduled due date. I understand how challenging it is for someone in a comparable socioeconomic position to survive in today's economic system and U.S culture (financial). I felt this way prior to the pandemic because I was never able to thrive, even when working several jobs; I am the embodiment of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," which is how it is not solely effective. Throughout the pandemic, I expected to see greater compassion, but it just did not exist.
Despite this, I have made every effort to be as productive as possible regarding my academics. I put significant value on my education as I have made it a crucial component of my identity. The reasons are many, but I've long believed obtaining a degree would provide me with an ideal position to promote (advocate) the reform that I so passionately want to occur in society (communities, humanity, etc.) I know that I will be prosperous (in the way I choose to define that) wherever my career takes me. Although I am not seeking a legacy, I am interested in helping as many people as possible. Having said that, I am taking four classes this term (full-time), so it is critical that I remain on schedule with my work regardless of what transpires externally. However, I can't help but feel strangely absent. Like, I know I'm here physically, but I do not feel present at times. My brain is struggling to function fully under these circumstances.
I've largely been at home; the few times I've left were to go to work or through a drive-through. I haven't had to go to the grocery store in a while because I typically buy enough for the full month. Which I am grateful for because my social anxiety does not mesh well with society at present. If I were to choose one highlight from this week, it would be spending time with B. My old schedule was all-consuming, and it consumed up a significant amount of my available time with her. I believe that being forced to slow down allowed me to see all the small changes she has grown through, while also being present for them now. It's bittersweet, but I'm glad to have this time with her.
April 11th, 2020
I had a good day today. For most of the day, I was catching up on rest. Once I did get up for the day, I remembered that I needed to run to the grocery store because I had volunteered to prepare some dishes for the upcoming Easter brunch. I typically celebrate every Easter with my Godmother, Kelly, and her family. Kelly was my mother's partner for a significant amount of my childhood and when they separated, she remained involved in my life. While interpersonal issues are a large factor that affect me speaking Easter with my immediate family, there are also geographical constraints. Nonetheless, I was still spending the holiday with people that I view as family. Although Covid was still at its height, we had planned to meet at Kelly's house as a small group consisting of perhaps five individuals. However, I do understand that some families had to celebrate differently this year, or not at all.
I elected not to shop at Walmart to escape the crowds and instead went to a small local grocery store near my home. I had a caregiving obligation that evening, so I wore scrubs to the store due to scheduling restrictions. I believe wearing scrubs inside the store made many of the customers concerned or even uncomfortable about their health because they avoided me at all costs. It has been astonishing to observe peoples' reactions and behaviors with the pandemic; there are people who believe that the government has taken excessive efforts to combat an irrelevant, some that think it was man-made or not real at all, then there are people that are frightened and taking each safety measure the government or doctors have suggested. Ultimately, I think we have witnessed more self-perseveration, no matter their personal beliefs on the matter,
While at the store I had the idea to get my grandmother (paternal) some ice cream and flowers. Because she is my paternal grandmother, she was not incredibly present in my upbringing. However, once I was an adult we started to form a relationship and eventually a close bond. I don't have any other relatives in the area aside from her, so when I did relocate here, we became best friends. Thus, it has been difficult with the social distancing restrictions because we spent a lot of time together. I delivered her surprises in social distancing fashion by placing the gifts on the railing of her back porch, sitting in the grass in her backyard, then calling her to tell her I was outside. She was overjoyed to see both the gifts and me. Neither of us are incredibly outwardly expressive with our emotions but her face lit up with so much excitement and I just know it made her day. I sat on the phone with her for a bit before leaving for work.
April 12th, 2020
Easter was different this year, and I'm sure it was for everyone. Regardless of the pandemic, the holiday would have been different for us because my grandfather, "Papa Bear," passed away earlier that year in January. I have this belief that many families have a specific family member that serves as the glue or whatever substance that ties them together and enhances/plans certain occasions. I feel that Papa Bear may have been that person in our family as he was strongly advocated for quality time with us as a group. I couldn't bear his jokes and impersonations because they were not humorous and were genuinely bad, yet he had all of us laughing. He just carried the loudest and most contagious laugh, which I believe, along with the pure joy he exuded, made people chuckle. Every Easter, all the kids (and young adults) would sit on the floor or near where he was to hear him recite the story of Jesus' resurrection. This year, that tale and a slew of bad jokes were missing. Still, we cherished our holiday together, even if it seemed a little empty at times.
April 13th, 2020
My friend messaged me to say that she had received the Federal Stimulus check in her bank account this morning and to ask if I had received mine too. The stimulus checks were the federal government's response to the economic hardships that both the United States economy and citizens have experienced because of the pandemic. It was approved by congress through the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act and intended to stimulate the economy while providing financial relief. Overall, I am unsure on how I feel about the government's response to the pandemic, as I believe there were several instances where they lacked proactiveness.
I checked my bank account afterwards and the payment was pending until the 15th of this month. The financial support would help to alleviate some of the financial difficulties that I have accrued since being laid off, the wage reduction, and the unpaid quarantine. I decided that when the payment arrived in my account, I would pay my greatest bills (vehicle payment and rent), as leaving them unpaid was not an option. Although I knew that the stimulus check would benefit those enduring financial challenges, at least momentarily, I was concerned about the long-term repercussions.
My daughter woke up shortly after I did, so we were able to cook breakfast together which is an activity we have always enjoyed doing together. She has been sitting at the kitchen counter and watching me prep food and cook since she first became a toddler. We made pancakes with sprinkles this morning (Brooklyn's personal favorite). I was scheduled to work this evening at seven and I really could have used the rest, but we spent the rest of our afternoon playing outside. I was trying to use this as an opportunity to spend as much time with her.
April 14th, 2020
The decision to play outside with Brooklyn all day yesterday caught up with me immediately after working that twelve hour shift last night. I clocked out at seven this morning and the moment I got home I passed out. I have been depleted and exhausted from this new routine. Before the pandemic, I worked a typical 8-5 job and part-time at American Eagle which consisted mostly of just floor sets after being hired for the office position. I was also able to pick my daughter up from daycare and go to bed at a decent time. This new schedule was the exact opposite of that, and my body was not adjusting.
I had previously worked out a schedule with B's godmother, so that we could both have something more definitive and structured, for everyone's sake. The schedule would allow me four hours of sleep after a shift before I had to pick B from her house. This has not been executed well because too often my body is demanding more rest than four hours which results in me picking up Brooklyn later. It is just a difficult situation. I want to be fair as possible to her because she has been more than generous but trying to function on four hours of sleep to be a full-time student, employee, and mother might be nearly impossible. When I picked up B that afternoon, we spent the rest of the day lounging around the house and binge watching her favorite cartoons (Peppa Pig).
April 15th, 2020
Brooklyn woke up earlier than she usually does, and we continued with the new daily routine, which includes preparing meals together, playing in the playroom, outside time, then naptime. I am not scheduled to work again until Friday evening, so I am trying to take advantage of the time and relax but that may be impossible because B believes she has enough energy for the both of us. I am just tired.
April 16th, 2020
We woke up this morning and did our little routine. After her naptime, we had to run an errand to CVS to pick-up my prescription. I was diagnosed with ADHD the year before and have been prescribed Vyvanse to lessen the symptoms. When I pulled up to the window to request my refill, I was notified that my insurance was now inactive. I did expect this because I paid for insurance through the employer which had laid me off. The insurance I had before made the co-payment for medication affordable and I had not really covered the full cost of medication beforehand, so I prematurely assumed the cost would be reasonable. The pharmacist said that without insurance the medication would be $273, including the discount card she provided. I had no choice but to take money from my savings account to cover the cost because I need my medication while I am in school. However, I was stressed out because I knew this would not be manageable long-term or even for the upcoming month. Like most places of employment, I was not eligible for insurance until I had been with their company for three months. I was really at a loss trying to find a solution for this moving forward. I called my doctor's office to explain the situation and was met with a nurse with an extremely rude attitude, which I guess is also becoming a new normal.
As a side note, I do understand that we are all experiencing an incredibly stressful time and whether I understood it or not, it shows. I cannot express how differently people are treating others. It just seems to be being fueled by other people's stress. Moreover, there was an appointment scheduled for May 5th to consider other ADHD medication options that would be affordable. This alone is an additional stressor, as I have a particular dislike and distrust of the 鈥榝iguring out what medication works' process. I had been through this process after being diagnosed before being prescribed Vyvanse and it was both physically and mentally exhausted. I mean that should be expected as you are essentially altering and manipulating the chemicals in your brain.
This instance just reinforced my belief in the importance of affordable health care. It also made me think of my friends and just people in general that depend on daily medications for their survival, as well as the difficulties they may endure to secure them. I could not imagine being in a position where my life depended on whether I could afford insurance or medication.
April 17th, 2020
Brooklyn and I spent most of the day just hanging out around the house until her godmother got off work and came over so that I could get ready for work. I am scheduled to work three consecutive twelve-hour days, so we had to reconfigure our schedules. We determined that it would be more practical if Brooklyn stayed with her for those days, so we were not passing her back and forth.
The shift tonight was challenging for the patient. It was her birthday tonight and although she is mostly nonverbal, we did speak a little bit over some birthday cupcakes. Afterwards, she went to bed for the night, and it seemed like every thirty minutes her oxygen levels were dropping, and I was adjusting her breathing machine. She was irritable because she was not getting rest, which was understandable, and I was tired myself.
I often tell people that if they don't want to work with the elderly or children, they shouldn't apply. Contrary to that belief, I never sought to work as a caretaker, but I believe this was due to my constant awareness of what I wanted to accomplish professionally. After my first patient, my conceptions of caregiving responsibilities shifted dramatically; I realized that I would have fulfilled the tasks regardless of money since it was the humane thing to do. After my first patient, my conceptions of caregiving responsibilities shifted dramatically; I realized that I would have fulfilled the tasks regardless of money since it was the humane thing to do. This job makes me feel both little and big. It makes me feel insignificant because it doesn't matter who I am, what I become, or what I do or don't do in this life; I will be in this situation one day, as will we all. I feel immense when patients share their memories with me; they are all so diverse, yet each interaction provides the greatest amount of inspiration, community, and admiration.
Although, the patient tonight is mostly nonverbal, walking through her home and seeing all the pictures and souvenirs from the dozens of trips she has taken to various regions in Africa offer the feeling.
April 18th, 2020
I was relieved when I clocked out at a seven this morning. I was expecting my body to crash the second I made it home but instead I spent two hours winding down before falling asleep. I woke around 3 in the afternoon and had some errands to run before returning to work that evening. The post office was my first errand for the day because it had been weeks since I had checked my P.O box. I am not even sure if they were open or if they closed at any point. I live in an incredibly small town; our post office is a tiny building attached to our water department, which also happens to be our town hall. When I made it to the parking lot, I noticed that there was a line of people waiting outside of the entrance door, which I thought was odd because even when there is high traffic, people are not usually waiting. It was not until I was closer to the door that I noticed there was a sign on the door stating only one person was allowed to enter at a time.
The line was not terribly long (small population), so it was not long before I went inside and was able to grab the pile of mail that had accumulated. I typically sit in my car to separate and open all the mail at one time but once I started stifling through it, I realized that most of it was medical bills. I never considered that my insurance was cancelled early enough to affect the doctor appointment and hospital visit. The bills were about $2-$3k in total. I had never even had a telehealth appointment before this pandemic broke out, so being charged the same amount for a doctor's appointment via phone call was surprising for me. This was fantastic; just one more thing. I was on the point of a breakdown because there was always something more. For example, how has the entire planet stopped but still moves? I can hardly afford my living expenses; therefore, I know they will go unpaid, which gives me such a discouraged feeling. I've been in this situation before: I couldn't afford some expenses, and as a result, my credit score suffered greatly. I've worked so hard to raise my credit score, and the notion of all that effort coming to nothing frightens me. It just seems like I am such a small part of a viscous cycle that was designed to constrain me at the bottom. This feeling speaks to the socioeconomic condition in general.
April 19th - April 20th, 2020
I went to work Sunday evening at seven and clocked out at seven on Monday morning. I do not know at what point my body will become accustomed to this schedule. I cannot begin to describe the level of exhaustion that I am at. I picked up Brooklyn on my way home and we had already had plans made for a friend of mine to come over today for brunch. I probably should have started preparing the food before my friend showed up but me and B got occupied playing outside because brunch was delayed until around lunch. It all worked out though because we ended up doing everything together; the cooking, setting the picnic table, and eating. I fed B before we ate, so that we would have the chance to catch up while she napped.
It was such a beautiful day, the weather was nice, and it just felt special. It was not often that I had the opportunity to spend with this friend since working at American Eagle together. She had moved further away and with the current Pandemic it was rare to interact with anyone in person. We talked about how much each of our lives had changed, it was odd, because I had once known a big portion of her routine and we had to relearn so much about one another's lives. She had also been laid off but was now unemployed. I spent some time helping her file for unemployment because she had been having difficulties applying through their online system to or contacting someone using the 1-800 phone number due to the high call volume. This was not unheard of because I knew of several other people that were unable to contact them too. I had one friend that had to drive all the way to Montgomery on multiple occasions just to meet an actual person face to face. I felt all the feelings for everyone, it was more than frustrating to have little control and be powerless in a situation greater than anything we had experienced before.
The visit was bittersweet because we also reminisced on our lives before. She wanted everything to open back up because she missed shopping and going to the beach the most. I missed those things too. However, there was a part of me that was worried about the part of myself that stays busy to avoid certain things. We live in an incredibly fast paced society that caters to that part of me. Before the pandemic, I never really had the opportunity to spend time at the house that I worked hard to pay for, with my daughter, or being as present for my grandmother. While the circumstances that allowed for this were awful and causing me issues of my own, I was upset that it ending would mean I would lose the part of me that has been present.
April 21st - April 22nd, 2020
My body and mind are beginning to give out on me. I had just worked the two consecutive twelve hour shifts I was scheduled for, and I was going to pick up my daughter from her godmother's since I just finished the last one. I was not going to be getting any rest today and that was just going to bleed in the vicious cycle that is my sleep schedule right now.
This next part will not sound great, but I called my place of employment on Wednesday to call out for my Thursday shift. I made some excuses about the nasty weather that was about to come through, but the reality was that I did not have anything to give. I have never experienced exhaustion or fatigue this extreme before, I am unsure whether it is the stress, the lack of sleep, or my recent medication schedule. I have tried to find a medication routine that matches my work schedule but that has failed. When I get off in the morning at seven, I will skip the ADHD medication, so that I can fall asleep but the effects of that are felt as soon as I wake up - depression, body aches, and feelings like an unfunctional person.
It feels like I am a shell of my former self, like where your body is still present, still moving, still functioning but there is no part of you there. I do not have the energy to hold a decent conversation, make facial expressions, or feel. For me, this seeps into insecurities I have as a mother, then I label myself a failure at that too. I wish more than anything I could give her the attention and patience she deserves but I am so depleted. I know I have said this before, but I am here, but I do not feel present.
May 8th, 2020
I'll start with a quick update on my life because I haven't had the chance to create a daily log in a while. I have stated in this journal that working a single job was not viable owing to the cost-of-living expenditures, which is why I had two jobs prior to the pandemic. As a result, I had to find additional employment, and now I work full-time as an office assistant. I work as a caregiver in the evenings after working in the office during the day. It has been particularly difficult on the days when I am scheduled to work at both; in those cases, I keep both my work clothes in my car and don't sleep. I am anticipating an eventual increase in pay with the office assistant position because then maybe I could afford to only maintain the one job.
Despite the situation, I excelled academically, finishing the online semester at Wallace with a 4.0 GPA and earning a spot on the President's List. I am proud of myself for those accomplishments. Since Wallace Community College is federally supported, I was eligible for the student Covid-19 grant, which I put towards paying off my vehicle.
Following state restrictions, most Alabama's public enterprises have been able to reopen. For example, they can reopen but individuals must keep six feet between each other. However, the state regulation prevents childcare centers from operating, so the cost of babysitting fees has increased more than ever before.
Regarding the health insurance issue, it has only been partially fixed. The insurance policy I was able to obtain through the Marketplace has a prohibitively high deductible that must be met before the will cover medical cost.
Final Entry
I feel that it is necessary that I sum up my experience and perspective concerning what has occurred, even though finding the words feels impossible. Although similar sentiments existed throughout the pandemic, such as uncertainty, fear, scatteredness, unfairness, and isolation, it was beyond any other moment in my life.
I can largely recall the deep urge to grieve and there was a lot to grieve, even with excluding the death of loved ones. You can label it whatever you want 鈥� the pandemic, Capitalism, life, or the United States culture (鈥減ull yourself up by your bootstraps鈥�) but none of it allowed for a moment to grieve. Instead, like most people, I had to push forward to survive economically, even when it came at the expense of my mental and physical health. I cannot predict the future; thus, I do not know the extent that it altered my life 鈥� our daily lives, our economy, our nation, or international relations. Truthfully, I just know that I am exhausted. I am unsure whether any of this is sustainable 鈥� working two full time jobs while being a full-time student, single mother, housekeeper, etc. I am conflicted because I could say that I will continue to push forward because of how I am as a person, how some of us are, and that the pandemic is a direct attest to that, but I would not be being entirely transparent. I mean as humans it is in our nature to survive; to provide and to care for our families and we did that, we do that. So, pushing through and forward was not derived from any part of political party affiliation, race, personality type, or the 鈥淎merican way鈥� 鈥� it was just the human response.
While this experience has been full of challenges, I think it is important to note that it was a shared challenge. Our society has never been more polarized across political ideologies and party lines (we can even debate the Civil War) than it is now 鈥� and ideologies are bred from our upbringings and experiences. I am not comparing any of these experiences but while I will never fully understand the weight of racial injustice like African Americans (or any other ethnic minorities), there are others who could never comprehend a person even considering an abortion, and this could go on and on. My point is that, in this situation, you do not have to try to comprehend or understand the challenge that this pandemic presented because it leveled all of us in some form. For me, the pandemic was influential in becoming politically informed and I hope that it does so for others. More importantly, I hope that the shared challenges allowed for intergroup contact and a shift in perspectives.
At the dinner table growing up we were usually asked what the best part of our day was which I believe was important because no matter how awful the day was, we had the opportunity to find something good within it. At this point in the journal, it is evident that I have struggled during the pandemic, but still, I can pull it apart and find the positives. For instance, it was the moments that I had with my daughter and my grandmother that I would not have had otherwise. I do understand that we were not leveled equally and that there will be individuals who experience the pandemic's effects longer than others such as lower-income families economically, people that experienced the death of a loved one, and all medical professionals that witnessed and worked more than they felt that they could bare. Moreover, just like as a kid at the dinner table I know that everyone could reflect on their own circumstances at this time and locate something good within it.
My political science instructor at Wallace gave me this assignment after I reached out about the employment lay-off. Although, she was making an exception to the course syllabus she used the term 鈥渄iary,鈥� and to be frank, it caught me off guard and it was intimidating. For starters, it was difficult to accept that someone would make an exception for me. Like what could I possibly say in this journal that would be different, important, or even special when there are other capable students? Because of my socio-economic position it was challenging for me to believe that my story would be of any value to someone. Furthermore, the thought alone of recording and sharing personal experiences can be terrifying. Now I can say that I will never forget the instructor or this assignment because it allowed me to process the events and emotions as they were unfolding. Ms. Norman was encouraging throughout the entirely of the journal which helped me answer the earlier question I had.
鈥淲e all get two hands and access to infinite love and with that we make our lives.鈥� - Ms. Norman
I was born on October 24th, 1998, in Marianna, Florida. There's a short poem about being born into a burning house and the ideologies that shift one's perception of the world following. I connect with the use of this analogy because my childhood home was a burning house engulfed in poverty, addiction, and neglect. However, it ignited a fire within me to rebuild that foundation or more accurately put to build one.
At the age of sixteen, I contacted several local organizations to assist me in the legal process for emancipation and was officially emancipated nine months later.
I obtained my GED in 2016 and then my daughter was born in 2017. We relocated to Alabama in the summer of 2018, and I began my associates degree at Wallace Community College immediately thereafter. I am set to graduate in 2021 and plan to transfer to Troy University for my bachelor's degree in political science. This is all in an effort to pursue law school in the future.